At 1 am the nurse woke me, my wife’s water just broke.  It was happening, I was going to be a father. 

The start of a new legacy was upon me, the moment I dreamed of my whole life.

Opioids, alcohol and mental illnesses caused my father to literally burn down his dream life he made for our family. The ashes of his Redwood Valley property haunted my every move up to this point.

I remember the moment my mother showed up to pull me out of school saying “your fathers sick, your fathers sick, your fathers sick”.

I remember my mother on the phone with the police saying he owned a shotgun, that our car had to be out of sight,  and we had to be in hiding. And the night ended with them arresting my dad.

As a young man, I created an alternate reality to escape the one I lived in. 

A dream reality of a future that I would create. And here it was upon me, my first born was upon us.

However, my kingdom was built on fear and pride and anxiety, “Under no circumstances no matter what, I can not be like my father.  No matter what, I can not let my family experience what he put us through..”

I will not struggle like he did.

Thankfully, a few weeks prior my father was released from this world, he had passed.

His passing unleashed a tornado of past trauma that sent me into a rage, a psychotic state of breakdown and confusion.

The nurse I speak of was my psych nurse.  And here I was, locked up, against my will, in the psych ward, about to miss the birth of my son.

How did I become just like my father?

So how did I get here?

This is a story of how we are what we fear

This is a story of losing everything only to gain it back

This is the story of almost drowning at the bottom of my swamp

And through grace and perseverance, living to tell the story.

This is unhinged.

Welcome to the journey.